It’s a familiar scene for many parents: You gently ask your child to put on their shoes, and you’re met with an emphatic “No!” You remind them to tidy their toys, and they either ignore you or escalate into a full-blown tantrum. For some children, any instruction — even the simplest request — feels like a challenge. The more you push, the more they resist. And while it can feel frustrating, this behaviour often stems from a deep-seated desire for autonomy, not defiance.
Understanding this distinction is the first step toward a calmer household. In fact, shifting from command to collaboration can radically change your day-to-day interactions — especially when supported by approaches like those used in montessori Ryde programs, which nurture independence through respectful guidance.
Why Some Kids Resist Authority
Children aren’t trying to be difficult for the sake of it. Much of the resistance you see is developmentally normal. From toddlerhood through the primary school years, kids are exploring control: over their bodies, their choices, and their environment. Being told what to do — without explanation or input — can feel like their voice doesn’t matter.
Some children are also naturally strong-willed. They thrive when they feel in charge of themselves, and power struggles only increase their resistance. Understanding your child’s temperament helps you respond rather than react.
The Power of Choice and Autonomy
Offering choices is one of the most effective tools to reduce resistance. Instead of issuing a direct command (“Put on your shoes now”), try giving limited options:
- “Would you like to wear your sneakers or your sandals today?”
- “Do you want to brush your teeth before or after your bath?”
This approach does two things: it shifts the tone from control to cooperation, and it gives your child a sense of agency. You’re still guiding their behaviour — but in a way that makes them feel respected and included.
Set Clear Routines, Not Constant Rules
Another way to avoid constant battles is by creating routines. Kids do best when they know what to expect. Morning, bedtime, and transition times (like leaving the park) are often flashpoints for conflict. A predictable routine reduces decision fatigue and emotional outbursts.
Try creating a simple visual routine chart with your child. This helps externalise expectations and puts the routine “in charge” instead of you being the enforcer every step of the way.
Replace Commands with Connection
It’s tempting to issue quick orders when you’re in a rush, but slowing down to connect first can prevent blowback later. Instead of barking a request from across the room, try kneeling down, making eye contact, and saying:
“I know you’re having fun with your blocks, and I’d love to hear about what you built. When you’re ready, it’s time to come eat.”
This small shift signals respect and emotional safety. When kids feel seen and heard, they’re far more likely to cooperate — not because they’re being forced to, but because they want to.
Natural Consequences Work Better Than Threats
Avoiding power struggles doesn’t mean avoiding boundaries. Children need limits — but the way we enforce them matters. Rather than using threats or punishment (“If you don’t listen, you’re not getting dessert”), focus on natural consequences.
For example:
- “If we don’t leave now, we might miss the start of the movie.”
- “If you don’t put your toys away, there won’t be space to build your new Lego set.”
Natural consequences help kids understand the real-world impact of their choices without feeling shamed or controlled.
Model the Behaviour You Want
Kids learn far more from what we do than what we say. If we’re constantly telling them what to do with frustration or impatience, they mirror that energy right back. Modelling calm, respectful communication — even in moments of tension — helps them internalise those behaviours over time.
That doesn’t mean being perfect. It means showing them how to handle mistakes, regulate emotions, and repair disconnection with honesty and kindness.
Support Their Independence, Even When It’s Messy
When your child says “I want to do it myself,” it’s often more than just stubbornness. It’s a sign they’re trying to grow — and that’s something to celebrate. Yes, letting them put on their socks alone or pour their own cereal may take longer (and be messier). But every one of those moments builds self-confidence, problem-solving skills, and resilience.
Instead of rushing them through these tasks, try saying:
- “I love how you’re working that out on your own.”
- “You’re getting better at that every time you try.”
The goal isn’t perfection — it’s progress.
It’s Not About Control — It’s About Relationship
At the heart of this issue isn’t obedience. It’s connection. When children feel empowered, respected, and involved, they don’t need to push back as hard. You’re still the guide, still the adult with more life experience. But instead of forcing compliance, you’re cultivating cooperation.
By approaching your child with empathy and patience — and using tools like choice, routine, and natural consequences — you’ll start to see fewer battles and more collaboration. And over time, your child will grow into someone who not only listens, but trusts, communicates, and thrives.
